Shoulda Gnome Better
by Serenity's Lady
Summary: Donna Noble wakes up in a very unusual place in a very unusual condition. And just where is the Doctor?


The first thing Donna Noble noticed when she opened her eyes was the blinding headache that hit her as soon as she moved. She probed her scalp gingerly until she located the beginning of a rather sizable lump forming on the crown of her head. "Ow!" she said, sharply.

The second thing, drawing her attention away from the pain in her head, was her position. She was lying on her side underneath what looked like an beech hedgerow at least two metres tall. She reached out tentatively and touched the closest branch, and was surprised to find the leaves were extremely soft, like pieces of fine velvet. The texture so surprised her that, in spite of her aching head, she sat up slowly to observe this unusual bit of flora more carefully. It was this movement that made her realize the third, and possibly most important, thing.

Donna was stark naked.

Instantly becoming aware of this distressing fact, she gave a tiny squeak and drew her knees tightly to her chest, huddling closer into the hedge. Looking around, she noticed that she was very much alone, which, given her most recent discovery, was actually preferable. At the same time, she wondered where the alien maniac responsible for her being in this ridiculous situation had gotten off to.

Instinctively knowing that discretion was the better part of not getting herself eaten or imprisoned, she moved quietly further into the hedge and hissed, "Doctor!" Getting no immediate response, she called a little louder, "Doctor!"

"Donna?" A tentative whisper came through the leaves of the bush. "Are you alright? Where are you?"

"I'm on the other side of the hedge." The branches began to rustle and she let out a high-pitched noise. "No! Stay there! I'm fine. What about you? Everything alright?"

The leaves ceased moving, and she heard the Doctor take a deep breath. "Fine," he replied. "Just fine. Everything's fine. _Molto bene!_"

She could tell he was about to begin one of his nervous rambles. "Doctor!" she called back sharply. "You sure you're alright? Nothing's wrong? Nothing...unusual happening?"

There was a long pause, and she heard a heavy sigh from the other side of the branches. "No," came his reply. "Nothing wrong." There was a long pause. "Well, not really _wrong_." Another long pause followed. Donne heard a small sniff. "Nope, nothing unusual. Well, it's not really unusual. I mean, in some circumstances, it's perfectly normal." The Doctor went very quiet for a moment and then added, "Actually, I seem to be completely devoid of clothing."

The total ridiculousness of the situation made her laugh. "Well, nothing gets past you, does it, Time Boy?! So what happened to us?"

"Everything seems to have been vaporized." She heard a sharp intake of breath. "Donna?" he asked tentatively. "Did it... are you... Oh my!" She smiled to herself, imagining the full body blush at his realization, and then blushing herself for imagining _his_ body.

"Oi! Spaceman! Focus, please. What do we do now?"

"Ah, yes. Well. We have to get back to the TARDIS immediately."

"Are you mental?!" Donna shrieked. "I'm not running through the streets with my bits hanging out!"

She heard another intake of breath. "Oh, no! No! No one else should see your bits!" She frowned, not quite sure what he meant by 'no one _**else**_', but then he continued. "I suppose I could try to fashion some kind of covering from the leaves and branches of the hedge."

She heard a whirring sound, one with which she was very familiar. "Doctor?" she asked. "Is that your sonic screwdriver?"

"Yes, of course," was his somewhat distracted reply.

"I thought you said everything was vaporized. Do I even want to know where you were hiding that?!"

"What!?" he sputtered. "Donna!" he exclaimed. She could hear the shocked outrage in his voice, and grinned to herself. "I'll have you know, missy, that I was holding it in my hand when we were walking. And besides. It was the _fabric_ of our clothes that was vaporized."

"I'm just teasing you, ya prawn. Blimey, but you're easy."

Suddenly, another male voice boomed from the other side of the hedge. "Well! So _this_ is where you kids got off to!"

"Jack!" the Doctor exclaimed, surprisingly relieved. "I thought you'd still be at the Pleasure Palace."

"Aw, you've seen one Pleasure Palace, you've seen them all. Besides, this one was a bit too vanilla for my tastes." The Doctor snorted. "So, Doc. Is Donna in there with you?" he asked with a leer that Donna could hear in his voice.

"Captain!" Donna squealed, when she saw the branches to her right begin to shake. "I'm right here. I'm fine. You don't need to come in."

Jack Harkness laughed. "You just had to try and get into the Sacred Maze, didn't you, Doc?"

"Well," the Doctor said slowly. "I just wanted to show Donna the most beautiful garden on the planet. You have to admit, it's breath-taking."

"Yeah, it is. It's also holy ground to the Pratistatui*."

"I just thought, after ridding the Fountain of Rapture of those pesky emotocytes the last time, they'd be a little more accommodating." Donna heard him huff.

She felt the Captain move closer to the hedge-wall. "Well, they might have, but I imagine you forgot about what sticklers they are about the dress-code on this planet. Didn't you?"

She was now so fascinated with the conversation that she forgot her discomfort at being starkers, and waited with baited breath for the Doctor's reply. She heard him sigh and then answer, "You know how I hate those things. What's wrong with my suit?"

"You know the answer to that, Doc. It's non-negotiable with them. So. I had a feeling you might need these."

Donna was startled when an object came hurtling over the hedge and neatly landed at her feet. It was a good-sized parcel wrapped in brown paper and tied with string. Reaching out and pulling it to her, she quickly dispensed with the string and paper, and exclaimed as she took each item out of the bundle. Jack had secured proper garments for them (she assumed he had provided the Doctor with his own parcel). She told herself to thank him.

"Donna?" she heard the Doctor call to her a few minutes later. "Are you, um, decent?"

She was amused at the slightly embarrassed tone of his voice. "Yeah, I'm good. My lady bits are all covered. Wouldn't want to offend your delicate sensibilities." She heard Jack's derisive snort and she giggled.

The Doctor stammered and stuttered. "Oh, ah, well. That's good. Good. We can't have... um... uncovered... ah... _bits_, now can we?" He cleared his throat and Donna got the distinct impression that he was having trouble controlling his breathing a bit. "Donna," he said after a moment. "Stay there. I'll come get you."

She was confused. "You're just on the other side of the hedge, Dumbo. Why not come through here?"

"Like Jack said," he explained, "this is a sacred place. And a maze to boot. I don't want to cause any damage to the foliage and ruffle more feathers. So I have to work my way around the labyrinthine path. But don't worry. The sonic is tuned to your biological signature. I won't be but a minute." She heard a rustle of leaves and his footsteps trailed off.

True to his word, he was at her side in no time. Striding purposefully around a corner, he stopped dead at his first sight of her. Donna was standing close to the hedge, wearing a Kelly green floor-length full skirt and white apron, a sheer white blouse with puffy sleeves, and a royal blue, laced-up bodice with decorative braiding at the neckline and down the front. Her ginger hair was held back with a white linen kerchief and flowed over her shoulders gracefully.

"Donna," he whispered. "You look... beautiful!"

She blushed and lowered her eyes, surprised at how pleased she was at his words. "You're rather adorable yourself."

And he was. She scrutinized him carefully. Jack had brought him what could only be a matching outfit. His long, skinny legs were encased in dark green corduroy trousers, and he wore a crisp white long-sleeve shirt with a royal blue waistcoat, adorned with shiny silver buttons, and a black belt and silver buckle. But it was the object that he carried in his left hand that made her grin and stifle a chuckle: a royal blue conical cap. He walked over to her and held out his hand. "Follow me," he instructed.

Leading her through the winding paths of the maze, they soon made their way back to the entrance, where Jack lounged against a pillar, waiting for them. When they emerged, he exclaimed, "Took you two long enough." Looking them over, he nodded to himself. "Not half bad, if I do say so myself."

Donna strode over to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Thank you, Jack," she said simply. "We appreciate your thoughtfulness."

"Any time, Red," he grinned.

"Jack," Donna said hesitantly. "I have to ask." She paused and he cocked an eyebrow. "What the bloody hell are you wearing!?"

The Captain straightened to his full height, showing off the tight white jodhpurs, black knee-high boots, and cherry red leather waistcoat over a white shirt and black silk cravat. He had a black and red hard helmet on his head and a riding crop in his hand. "I look rather dashing, don't you think?" he preened.

"Well, at least it's not a pink flamingo!" the Doctor retorted with a grin. Donna burst out laughing and gave Jack a pat on the cheek. She didn't resist when the Doctor grabbed her hand and threaded her arm through his, saying, "Come on. Since we're all now properly attired, let's make the most of our time here. I don't know about you, but I'm famished. Anybody interested in checking out the restaurant at the centre of the Arboretum Papilium**?"

"On one condition, Time Boy." Donna grinned at him mischievously.

"And that would be?"

"You have to wear the hat!"

He bowed to her, and whipped the cap onto his head with a flourish as he stood. "Anything for you, milady." He reclaimed her arm and strolled down the path, Donna and Jack laughing loudly as his '_Allons-y!' _rang through the street.

*** Pratistatui is a bastardization of the Latin phrase "Pratum Statuarum", meaning "Lawn Statuary".**

**** Arboretum Papilium – "Butterfly Garden"**


End file.
